The Weighting Game

I've been trying to lose weight for as long as I can remember. As funny as this sounds, the lowest weight I can remember being was 123 lb and that was in Grade 6. I recall how horrified I was at that number and how fat I felt. Most of the other girls were still in the 90s and there I was 123lb - I was huge! Of course, I failed to comprehend that at 5'6", a B cup, and my mature hips; I was far from huge. The other girls in my class has barely made it out of training bras and I was been accused of stuffing my bra every time I wore a form fating shirt. Still, I was big, I mean I was the tallest of boys and girls in my class. You can look at the Grade 6 photo and there I am in the back room - right in the middle with my fuzzy hair another inch higher than the tallest boys. But my height and maturity didn't seem to register for the reason for the number on the scale - it could only mean one thing: I had to lose weight.

I have countless journal entries throughout the rest of elementary school, detailing weight loss plans. This many sit ups per day, this many jumping jacks and so on. I never actually lost any weight as I was still growing and eating a lot to fuel that growth. By Grade 7, I was 5'7' with size 8 feet and it hasn't changed since. I was a C cup in Grade 8 and though I stopped growing upwards, I was consuming enough to grow outwards. Not that I was fat but 1 day in Grade 10 I asked my Dad if I should lose weight and whether I weighed too much at 145 lb. He told me that I was fine but at my age I should probably try to lose 10 or so pounds so I wouldn't be unhealthy as I got older.

I really took it to heart and I became a calorie counting Nazi. To this day I can look at pretty much any food item and gauge its' caloric content. I started working out and seeing the fabulous Toni Braxton on Oprah say that she worked out an hour a day caused me to do the same. Lucky for me, my house at the time was like having a personal gym. The way the stairs were to the basement allowed me to stair step during 1/2 hour sitcoms and run the stairs during commercial breaks. I would put on some pumping music and roller blade around the unfinished half of our basement. My own personal roller ink - it was fun! On top of that, I got free weights and started lifting them every morning for 5 minutes.

Within a few months I could see a difference in my arms and figure. It wasn't until I read "Fit for Life" and started food combining maniacally that the pounds really came off. I was even a vegan for a month until I couldn't go without chicken any longer. By August, I was toned, trim and 130 lb. And even I, the self-loathing teenager, could see I looked hot.

Fate stepped in and my family moved out West that fall before Grade 11. The stress of the move and change in surroundings caused me to lose focus on my regime. I put about 10 pounds back on and then with 4 years away at University, I was up another 20 pounds.

I still look back at photos of myself and my notations of the amazing measurements of 36-25-36 and smile. I still make the same journal entries detailing elaborate weight loss schemes and I even tried food combining again but I can't get back to being that motivated 15 year old.

At the time, I don't think I appreciated it. Yes, I was excited to fit into smaller jeans but I still felt big and unattractive to the boy I had a crush on. I still cried on my bedroom floor because of the womanly curses such as cellulite. Now, I would kill for that body yet I feel afraid to have it again.

I think if you feel you've already peaked, then you let yourself off the hook in a lot of ways. Plus, I have this sneaking suspicion that I use my "fat" as a barrier to keep guys away so that I don't get hurt. I will claim that the guy has to like me the way I am now and not for my body but it is more of an excuse not to get close to anyone again. I suppose that is due to my University boyfriend leaving me with a feeling that, despite moments that betrayed otherwise, the overwhelming reason he wanted me was for my body.

I mean I know how to lose weight and get in shape as I've done it before and though it would be more difficult now that I am older, it is still doable. Maybe I have accepted myself the way I am; I certainly don't cry about my flaws anymore and there are days I think I look damn fine. If Shakespeare said, "To thine own self be true," then which self is the true me?: the svelte 15 year old with insecurities or the more confident & more plump 23 year old. 8 years can change a person a lot but I know that essentially I am the same person. Same sarcastic sense of humour, same loud laugh, same eager intellect, same propensity for organization, same weakness for the unattainable guy - different package. That being said, why am I so afraid to be the old package with my new wisdom?

I know that the packaging isn't important as much as my substance yet why shouldn't I want the world to see my most vibrant, vital self? The number of the scale was never what matter, it was how alive I felt and that is why it is sad to peak at 15.