An interesting conundrum has appeared to me of late, through discussions with my girlfriends, regarding how one should act in a relationship. I am very egalitarian and I think that both parties should be on the same footing but this is often not the case - have you ever seen that Seinfeld episode about hand? It seems that when it comes to being a woman in a relationship you only have too options: be pushy or be a push-over.
I recognize that statement is probably too black and white, but it seems to be the case because there are two types of men out there: the ones who want you to be their mother and the ones who want you to be their slave. I am not trying to promote misandry but from looking at the relationships of friends it seems that once in a couple, men fall into those two particular categories.
For example, I know quite a few sweet, intelligent guys who are dating or engaged or even married to women who are, to put in nicely: ball-breakers. They tell their men what to do at all times; it is their way or the highway. And do these guys protest? Nope, they seem to be content to be told what to eat, wear, and do. They'll even move across the country, give up a thriving career because she said so! Whereas I would think that compromise is the key to making a relationship work, it seems that in these relationships it is compliance to the woman's will that is the reason that they are together and seemingly happy. It is baffling to see a grown man be told at a dinner party "Finish what is on your plate" like a mother would say to her 5 year old son and to have that man comply without even batting an eye. These women may appear to those outside the relationship as controlling tyrants but can you blame them? These guys seem to like to be bossed around and it allows the women to control every facet in the relationship so they always get what they want. This is very tempting...I certainly like getting my way...maybe I should break out a dominatrix type approach to dating? I have a sneaking suspicion that this attitude wouldn't work for me...I'd have a hard time keeping a straight face when ordering my boyfriend around!
I also see, in the couples around me, the flip side where the man is the one calling all the shots . This I suppose is less surprising in the patriarchal society we live in but it is 2007 after all and seeing intelligent, capable women act subservient is disconcerting. These girls dote on their boyfriends/husbands and put him on a pedestal that he doesn't usually deserve. They are so afraid of losing their loves that they do everything possible not to ruffle his feathers. They'll put up with rudeness, ignorance and sometimes even unfaithfulness just so that they can keep being a couple. Sadly, extremes of this still exist, including mental and physical abuse. That is why I think it is a slippery slope to allow yourself to be pushed around by your partner in any facet - there has to be give and take.
So, what about women like me who don't want to be above or below a man in a relationship but rather at even, equal, rib-level like it was meant to be? Well, I am sure some of them find an enlightened man who want a woman who is evenly-matched but since I haven't, I guess I'll just stay single. Because in my mind being part an unbalanced couple is making a choice to take on a role that I am not comfortable with - when I push, I want a man who pushes back and vice versa!
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...or you manoeuvre your opponent into making all decisions and use passive aggression to control how they control you. My theories:
1. Some people canot help but play out their role models' relationship dynamic; some don't know anything different.
2. Some people see a relationship as an opportunity for relief of responsibility for themselves.
3. Some people see all human interaction in terms of power and control. Why be any different here?
4. Relationships are easier to manage when everyone adopts a role and behaves predictably, and decision-making is left to one person. Less fulfilling, but easier.
5. I've seen people start out independent and then try to lock both themselves and their partner down. When preservation matters more than growth and fear takes over, we can become unrecognisable.
6. Meeting someone and immediately trying to forge a "relationship" with all its expectations often forces both parties into adopting roles that evolve into cages, real or imagined.
And a suggestion: go dancing. Proper partner dancing (ballroom, swing, jive, street latin, etc). You can cover most of this with a complete stranger in seconds, without words.
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