Losing It

Clearly I’ve become a ridiculous person. I don’t mean that in a good way either – like “Ha, ha, Summer, you’re so ridiculous. What a joker!” I mean that I’ve lost all reasonable notions and have crossed into insane fantasy at this point. What really irks me about all this is that, so typically, it is all because of a boy. Men!

He isn’t even close to be worthy of turning my previously considerable faculties to mush. He’s just a Southern charmer with a daddy in prison and a Napoleon complex. He isn’t even really that good looking.

Okay, so he’s a bit of a Baldwin but I mean what girl wants to have the reason for her insanity as the ‘guy was cute.’ Lordly, that is so pathetic. There are cute guys every where – you don’t lose your freakin’ mind over them. If you are going to lose your sensibilities than you want to the guy too be so good looking that normal woman get faint in his presence and gnash their teeth thinking of him in the nude.

I don’t know how to make it stop either. I mean I’ve tried desperately to forget about him. Methods tried: sign up again for online dating, go on dates with other men, dance with other men, fantasize about other men, flirt incessantly with attractive boys, and drink wine. None of this has worked. Not even the true standby of LOGIC!

I can’t reason myself in to forgetting him. I made a laundry list of all his faults and disturbing traits. I stalked him on Facebook to ensure that I could see every picture of him with other girls, especially the one that I’ve determined he is now dating/screwing. I even attributed to him all the jerk qualities of a player: sweet-talking, two-timing, out & out cheating, and straight up lying.

It’s not that I still feel the exact same about him: I don’t. I have reasoned myself to a point where I am no longer willing to believe that he’s a good guy who cares about me but at the same time I can’t let it go. I can’t stop thinking up these imaginary conversations/fights between us.

Such a fantasy fight:
Me: “You’re a douche bag. Everything you said to me was bullshit and I was an idiot for believing you. I wish I never met you.”
Him: “Don’t say that. You don’t really think that about me, do you? Of course, I care about you but the situation sucked and I couldn’t cope.”
Me: “But you were too much of a pussy to even say goodbye to me.”
Him: “I know and I’ll regret it for the rest of my life the way I handled it because I do want to be able to talk to you still. I just couldn’t the same way because my new girlfriend would have freaked out.”
Me: “She’s fugly so why do you care what she thinks?”
Him: “I know but I can’t have you.”

Okay, so that isn’t really an argument per say as much as him grovelling…that would never happen in reality. Because in reality he really is a douche bag and he would laugh so hard if he knew I was expending all this energy thinking about him still.

Or would he? See that is the big issue for me and why I can’t let it go. I don’t know what he is thinking. Yes, I know that he started of avoiding me and disappeared but I don’t really know why. I can say it is was because of a new girlfriend but I don’t know really that he has one (Facebook is heavily favouring that situation) or that he just got bored of me in general or that he really couldn’t cope with the long distance relationship so he bailed on me.

I suspect that is why so many women lose their minds over men because we don’t know the reason. I know that men aren’t complicated and it is probably as simple as his dick is in Hawaii and I can’t service it from across the Pacific Ocean. But because we are women who are complicated and layered individuals, we attribute those same layers and complexities to men and so we end of lose our minds thinking about all the possible reasons why we were rejected. I really wish I could just chalk it up to the p no longer being able to go in the v.

I wish I could be simple like a man. Then I wouldn’t have lost my mind.